Saturday, August 13, 2011

Funny Friday

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Happy Weekend Trails,

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Tipsy Tuesday

It’s a sure thing that you’ll not finish if you don’t start.

An ancient proverb says, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” You have probably known people nearing the end of their life’s journey who looked back and said, “If only I had done things differently. . . . If only I had taken advantage of that opportunity when it came along.” Unfulfilled lives are filled with “if only’s”. They are the refrain of the timid souls whose lives were finished before they ever really got started. Life is filled with many opportunities -- for great successes and spectacular failures. It is up to you to seize the initiative, to take advantage of the opportunities that come your way. You are condemned to a life of mediocrity -- unless you get into action. Don’t delay; do it today!

Tuesday's tip by the Napoleon Hill Foundation.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Funny Friday

Comments made in the year 1955!

I'll tell you one thing, if things
keep going the way they are,
it's going to be impossible to
buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year? It won't
be long before $1,000.00 will
only buy a used one.

If cigarettes keep going up in
price, I'm going to quit; 20 cents
a pack is ridiculous.

Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents
just to mail a letter.

If they raise the minimum wage
to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who
would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving
the car in the garage.

I'm afraid to send my kids to the
movies any more. Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying
it seems every new movie has
either HELL or DAMN in it.

I read the other day where some
scientist thinks it's possible to put
a man on the moon by the end of
the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas .

Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the

I never thought I'd see the day
all our kitchen appliances would
be electric. They're even making
electric typewriters now.

It's too bad things are so tough
nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to
work to make ends meet.

It won't be long before young
couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so
they can both work.

I'm afraid the Volkswagen car
is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business.

Thank goodness I won't live to
see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I
sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to

The fast food restaurant is
convenient for a quick meal,
but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on.

There is no sense going on short
trips anymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay
in a hotel.

No one can afford to be sick
anymore. At $15.00 a day in
the hospital, it's too rich for
my blood.

If they think I?ll pay 30 cents
for a haircut, forget it.

I was born in the fifties, this really makes you realize how fast things change. I smile at what my Grandchildren will be laughing about in 50 more years.

Happy 1955 Trails,

Friday, July 8, 2011

Funny Friday


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible..
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year..
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint..
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher..
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury..
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe..
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back..
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat..
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying..
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery..
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP..
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap..
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress..
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you..
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere..
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out..

Happy Weekend Trails,


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Intersting Facts

Interesting stuff-
Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.
The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
Leonard Da Vinci invented scissors.
It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Reprinted from "Rick Frishman's Author101 Newsletter"
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"Million Dollar Rolodex"

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy Birthday America

If you are an American citizen, don’t let anyone tell you that you are downtrodden.

"We still live in the greatest country in the world. The United States is the great experiment in positive thinking; our entire system of government is based upon faith in the inherent goodness of the individual. It was a revolutionary idea more than 200 years ago when the Declaration of Independence was first signed. Borrowing from the greatest thinkers in history, our founding fathers established a form of government of the people that is today the model most imitated around the world. Economic and political conditions ebb and flow, but as long as we have a democratic society that celebrates the individual, we can achieve anything in life we desire. All you require to be successful in the United States is the desire to achieve success and the determination to stick with it until you reach your goals."

This 4th of July Napoleon Hills words ring load and clear. What a wonderful country, full of opportunity to live the life we imagine.

Happy Independent Trails,

PS Great photo is Clinton Miller, Burns road show team member. Real American Cowboy!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Inspire Me

"Everything that is great and inspiring is created by the individual who labors in the atmosphere of freedom."
Albert Einstein

Happy Fourth of July!!!
Let Freedom Ring!!!