Funny Friday

Comments made in the year 1955!

I'll tell you one thing, if things
keep going the way they are,
it's going to be impossible to
buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year? It won't
be long before $1,000.00 will
only buy a used one.

If cigarettes keep going up in
price, I'm going to quit; 20 cents
a pack is ridiculous.

Did you hear the post office is
thinking about charging 7 cents
just to mail a letter.


If they raise the minimum wage
to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who
would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving
the car in the garage.

I'm afraid to send my kids to the
movies any more. Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying
DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,
it seems every new movie has
either HELL or DAMN in it.


I read the other day where some
scientist thinks it's possible to put
a man on the moon by the end of
the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas .


Did you see where some baseball
player just signed a contract for
$50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the
President.

I never thought I'd see the day
all our kitchen appliances would
be electric. They're even making
electric typewriters now.

It's too bad things are so tough
nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to
work to make ends meet.

It won't be long before young
couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so
they can both work.


I'm afraid the Volkswagen car
is going to open the door to a
whole lot of foreign business.

Thank goodness I won't live to
see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I
sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to
government.


The fast food restaurant is
convenient for a quick meal,
but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on.

There is no sense going on short
trips anymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay
in a hotel.

No one can afford to be sick
anymore. At $15.00 a day in
the hospital, it's too rich for
my blood.


If they think I?ll pay 30 cents
for a haircut, forget it.

I was born in the fifties, this really makes you realize how fast things change. I smile at what my Grandchildren will be laughing about in 50 more years.

Happy 1955 Trails,
Danna

Funny Friday

QUOTES

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible..
- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year..
- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint..
- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher..
- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury..
- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe..
- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back..
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat..
- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying..
- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery..
- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP..
- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap..
- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress..
- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you..
- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere..
- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out..

Happy Weekend Trails,
Danna

HAPPY 31ST BIRTHDAY MISTY, VERY BUSY MOM TO FOUR OF OUR GRANDAUGHTERS!!! WE LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU!!

Funny Friday

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character..
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color..
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

Men Are Just Happier People

Funny Friday

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13 . Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

My friend Jaqueline sent this to me, #5 made me LOL!!! wonder what the girls at Utah Independent Bank would think of that:).

Happy Weekend Trails,
Danna

Funny Friday

Dumb quotes
==============================

Chuck Knox
Most of my cliches aren't original.

Ralph Kiner
All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium.

Pedro Guerrero
Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.

Doug Collins
Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.

Dan Bonner
The Minnutemen are not tall in terms of height.
~~during a UMass basketball game.

Yogi Berra
Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.
It was pretty good. Even the music was nice ~~said after attending an opera.
Congratulations on breaking my record.
I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.



Reprinted from "Rick Frishman's Author101 Newsletter"
Subscribe at http://www.rickfrishman.com and receive Rick's "Million Dollar Rolodex"


Happy Friday the 13th!! My favorite; make it a LUCKY ONE!!
Danna

Funny Friday

Saturday, March 19, 2011
The Best Cure for Radiation
From the Telegraph, London

Red wine 'can protect against radiation'

Impending nuclear attack? Then scientists may soon recommend that it is best you start drinking heavily and not just because you may be facing oblivion.

By Richard Alleyne 3:01PM BST 23 Sep 2008

According to the latest research, red wine - along with its many other claimed benefits - may also protect you from radiation exposure.

A team at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine have discovered that resveratrol, the natural anti-oxidant found in red wine, can protect cells from the damage caused by radiation.

In experiments on mice the scientists found that when combined with the chemical acetyl and administered before radiation exposure it protected the cells and helped prevent death.

The results, to be presented to the American Society for Therapeutic Radiology and Oncology, could lead to drugs to counteract poisoning in the wake of a nuclear emergency or attack.

"New, small molecules with radioprotective capacity will be required for treatment in case of radiation spills or even as countermeasures against radiological terrorism," said Dr Joel Greenberger of the Department of Radiation Oncology at the university.

"Small molecules which can be easily stored, transported and administered are optimal for this, and so far acetylated resveratrol fits these requirements well.

"Currently there are no drugs on the market that protect against or counteract radiation exposure."

The study was overseen by Pitt's Center for Medicaltermeasures Against Radiation, which is dedicated to finding radiation protecters that can be administered in the event of a large-scale radiological or nuclear emergency.

The current research is not connected to advice given to workers cleaning up Chernobyl who were told to drink half a glass of vodka after every two hours of exposure to radiation.

Radiation Free thanks to the wonder drug!!!
Cheers,
Danna

Funny Friday

THE SILENT TREATMENT


A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.


Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife

to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.


Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece

of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.


The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it

was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.


Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he

noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'


Happy Weekend Trails,
Danna

And a BIG Happy Birthday to my wonderful Father-in-law, Wayland Shaw...We Love and Appreciate all you do for ALL of US!!!

Funny Friday

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain

So True!!! What is up with that.

Imagine if you could eat anything you wanted and it made you healthier, skinnier, and more beautiful. Consume drinks with sugar and alcohol only to wake up with tight eyes, no swelling and a flat stomach. Exercise would make you fat, and all those people that were addicted to running, biking and going to the gym weighed 300 lbs. plus!!!
Oh and by the way the older you got the better you looked!!

Designing my next life, and of course, men will have the babies:-)

Happy Healthy Trails,

Danna

The Best DUI Arrest In History

Funny Friday

As we progress into the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't even pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet

Happy Sterile Trails,

Danna

Funny Friday

Some 40-year-old girlfriends discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the
waiters are cute and buff.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the women once again discuss where they
should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant, because the food is very good and the wine selection is
excellent.

10 years later, at 60 years of age, the girls once again discuss where they
should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant, because they can eat there in peace and quiet, and the
restaurant has a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the women once again discuss where they
should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant, because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible, and it even
has an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the girls once again discuss where they
should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant, because they have never been there before.

Happy Weekend Trails,

Danna

Funny Friday

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book..

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.

It's likely she can also think.

Happy Weekend Trails,

Danna

Funny Friday

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...'

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Happy Weekend Trails,

Danna

Funny Friday

Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.


And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.



Happy Weekend Trails,

Danna

Funny Friday

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. .

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on March 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Happy Weekend Trails,

Danna

P.S. Happy 29th Birthday, Destiny! What a pleasure it is to have you for our daughter. You are a remarkable women with talents, that gift all you come in contact with. You inspire me to be a better person. Have a wonderful day!!! Good Luck at the Las Vegas Barrel Race today! A big check would be a sweet birthday gift for you:-)

Funny Friday

UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn
it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an ass from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.


30. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

"We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

Happy Weekend Trails,

Danna

Funny Friday

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

Happy Weekend Trails,

Danna

Funny Friday

Three men were hiking through a forest...

when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

' God, please give me the strength to cross the river.

Poof!!!

God gave him big arms and strong legs...

and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours,
having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:

'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof!!!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs...
and he was able to row across
in about an hour
after almost capsizing once

Seeing what happened to the first two men,
the third man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof!!!

HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!

She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream...

and walked across the bridge:-)

Happy Weekend Trails,

Danna

Funny Friday

Best Divorce Letter Ever

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it....These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica !!!!! But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Happy Weekend Trails,

Danna

Funny Friday

Only in America .......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.





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Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.



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Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.



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Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



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Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



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EVER WONDER.....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens
our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?



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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?



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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?



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Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?



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Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?



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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?







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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?



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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!








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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?



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I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?



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Happy Weekend Trails,

Danna